


Do You Even Know What's Going On?

by Waste_Of_Breath



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, figuring stuff out, shit i don't know if i should put john/karkat or not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-24
Updated: 2012-07-24
Packaged: 2017-11-10 15:01:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/467599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waste_Of_Breath/pseuds/Waste_Of_Breath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert has a dream that is kind of gay and doesn't know what to think.  This is a story about how John finds out about his sexuality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do You Even Know What's Going On?

**Author's Note:**

> Shit guys I started this at 2 am and it got finished at 4:30 am sorry if it's bad  
> It's basically a backstory to I Want To Hold Your Hand (Please just kiss me oh god) or whatever it's called lol i don't even remember my own fic name
> 
> Anyway this is basically all about John and I don't know how I should feel about this. Probably going to end up hating it tomorrow morning. Also I'm not sure if I should tag it as John/Karkat or w/e so I will just in case.

Your name is John Egbert and you're not even sure how to feel about the dream you just had. You think you should feel...happy. For now, you're thoroughly confused.

You're 13, and there's a lot of things you've realized that you might have to sort out later in life! Recently you've learned about sexuality and that it kind of matters a whole lot. Kind of. Maybe not really? But that's part of the learning process! You need to figure out if sexuality is important. You've also learned about all kinds of other things, like gender identity and things like that.

You're pretty sure you're going to identify as a boy, you've never felt like you've wanted to be a girl other than a few moments of curiosity. You're also pretty sure you like girls! That would make you straight or a heterosexual. That's the word, right? You're still getting kind of used to using these words to label people. Sometimes you get them mixed up. Most of the time, you get it right, but hey, they both start with h! That must count for something. You weren't even aware that girls liked girls or boys liked boys, you've kind of only grown up with girls and boys being together. Rose was the one who actually informed you about gay and straight and whatnot. There were some other things she said but for now it's not coming to mind! It's a difficult subject, sexuality that is.

You're sure the dream you just had was pretty gay. Actually, it was very gay. No doubt about it having some gay context in there. You know, like the part where you kiss your best troll friend who's a guy.

The dream itself seemed really nice. A peaceful time, oh for sure. It was set in a time where you and Karkat, your best troll friend, were in a very familiar house. Maybe something like the house you're in right now? Who knows. Dream you were in the kitchen of the house making pancakes you believe, and dream you called out to Karkat and it made you both laugh. Getting Karkat to actually laugh is hard because he hates his laugh even though you think it's fine. It's a good laugh! He went into the kitchen and then...you guys kind of kissed. Not kind of because it did happen. It was kind of quick but not at the same time. It wasn't like 3 seconds but it wasn't make-out time length. Probably about 15 seconds. He then stole the pancake right out the pan and then dream you laugh and smacked him on the arm and he just smile chewing on the pancake. Dream you gave Karkat a big hug and another peck on the lips, even if he was still stuffing his mouth with more pancake. Then a little bunny came hopping out into the kitchen. It was really adorable oh man, it had like different brownish spots everywhere and it must of have been a baby bunny. Dream you picked up the bunny and scratched it's head. “ Ready for breakfast, Liv?” dream you had asked the bunny as it hopped out of his arms and onto the ground. And that was the end of the dream. It was short and not really eventful but hey, at least you remember it unlike most of your dreams.

You're not even sure how to feel about the dream though. You're confused, you're kind of scared. Scared of what? You're scared that you're going to have more gay dreams and act more gay and be gay and you can't imagine yourself being gay! It's a thing that should not happen because what about the hot girls? Yeah, there's totally a bunch of hot girls. So for now, you're going to let it slide by. Maybe it was just one of those whacky dreams and then you never think about it again. Maybe you will remember it after a while, share it and have a laugh about it.

You lie back down on your bed. It's 4 o'clock in the morning, at least it's a Saturday. You're not going to let some slightly gay dream get the better of you and your sleep.

-  
The past couple of weeks, you have been having the same dream. Damn that dream just won't go away, will it? You should tell your dad about it, maybe he used to have similar dreams about his guy friends. It's a normal thing that happens, right? Or, in the dream you and Karkat are moipails, yeah, that's the quadrant with the spade? It's like a really affectionate form of friendship, or something. Karkat explained it over and over again, but it really didn't catch your interest. What if you were husbands? What if you were dating? What if you were in love? Whatever, it's just a dream. Though, now that you've had the dream, you kind of want a bunny. A bunny would be a super great pet, you're sure of that.

You're just going to keep brushing it off. It will go away.

-

By now, it's been two months and the dream has stopped, but now you can't stop looking at Karkat, as well as other boys, strangely. You've been having more and more of a hard time talking to Karkat in person because what if he can read your mind and tell you had some really gay dreams about him and you and oh man he could probably already tell by being 5 feet ahead of you. You're not one to get nervous because of stupid things. This was definitely a stupid thing. You're freaking out over nothing, so you take a deep breath and you're good as gold.

You've told your dad about the dream a week ago, and he really didn't have an answer for you. He put a hand over yours and asked you if you had anything to tell him, and you told him no and you could tell by his tone that he meant “ Son, if you are gay you should tell me” and you're not even gay. You're just a confused 13 year old boy who's having gay dreams. Girls are still hot!!! You may be looking at guys at a new perspective of “Wow they are really cool!!!” but you're not into them. Just to prove your dad wrong you might ask out Vriska. Rose would probably be more approved of since Vriska isn't exactly a role model. She doesn't even go through your door, she enters through the window of your bedroom! Your dad is not too pleased about that and always insists that she uses the door but she never does. He's mostly scared she's going to end up falling and getting hurt one of these days. You don't blame him, your bedroom is on the second floor and she has to climb up a tree, jump, and pull herself up to the window. She hasn't died yet so that's a good sign.

-  
You're now 14 years old, and it's been 5 months since the dream started. You haven't had it for a while, it may pop up once in a while as if you have forgotten it. You're beginning to think that maybe girls and guys are your thing. Well, more girls and guy, than anything. That one guy is the guy in your dream, Karkat. Karkat Vantas. The friend-leader to your uh, other friend-leader. The Pal to your Honcho. The guy literally of your dreams? Well, not quite. You're starting to think that girls aren't as hot as they used to be. You mean, they are still kind of hot but now they get rather bitchy. You know about their periods and that stuff. Wait, do troll girls even have periods or are they just bitchy all the time?

You've also started puberty (finally). Your voice is now deeper than what it used to be but not like “Whoa holy shit who's that dude” different and you have long lanky legs and short arms and more acne and you kind of look and sound like a walking talking diaster area. Karkat's going through it too, at the same time. You suppose troll puberty is different, his voice has gotten a little scratchy though that's pretty much the only thing.

You and Karkat have been growing closer and closer lately. You're starting to like him more as a “I'd date him” guy than a best friend. It could be puberty doing that. Maybe it's just so platonic you mistake it for not so platonic feelings. There have been so many maybes flowing through your brain that you don't even know what is and what may be.

You and Karkat started to just dance awkwardly together in the living room, putting on the shittiest radio station available that's not country because ew, country music. It ends up being on some pop station and it's perfect for dancing like dweebs. You also play the GhostBusters theme song from your computer. You're busting out moves with Karkat and singing along. You're tone-death but that's never going to stop you from singing. Not when it's the GhostBuster's theme song. Karkat actually has a pretty decent voice when singing though he refused to join choir and to sing in front of anyone that isn't you. You find it really cute that he trust you with such a silly thing even when he's good at it. He's really cute.

Oh no.  
-

It's been 8 months and you're now facing a sexuality crisis. You were fine accepting that you maybe had a few feelings for Karkat for a while and still thinking girls are more your thing, but girls aren't your thing. At all. They are just...girls. You don't like girls but you like Karkat and maybe other boys are appealing to you too? You don't even know anymore. You are confused and scared and and and you're gay. You're gay and you know it and you don't want to be gay. You don't want to be gay because what if no one likes you if you tell them. What if your dad is disappointed in you. What if everyone hates you for being gay. What if you end up being alone and what if what if what if oh god. There are too many what ifs and who hows and maybe and god it's just racing through you head all at once.

You're just not sure how to feel about being gay.

You lie down on your bed and close your eyes shut and just let everything overwhelming you just go away. You end up falling asleep and having the dream again. You haven't had that dream for a while now. It doesn't haunt you, doesn't taunt you, it soothes you and it makes you happy because you're so happy and he's so happy and you have your perfect little family. If only you could make that dream happen.

You can't bear to tell them, but can't bear to not tell them. Tell your friends, you dad and you're sure other classmates who aren't so supportive of gays will find out. You're not even sure what your dad thinks about gay people or the LGBT group at all, really. It's not brought up because it doesn't need to be. He still asks you if you have that dream and you tell him no but he still has a concerned look on his face.

-

You're dad is starting to worry about you a lot. You've been spending a lot of time in your room when really you're just trying to sort things out. Nothing gets accomplished. Lately you've been asking Rose advise and she knows that your gay, it's just that no one else does. She's good with this kind of stuff, she had to deal with it just a little while ago actually, so she has first hand experience. She doesn't really get nervous about anything though, and she usually knows right away what the fuck to do. She tells you everyday that you need to tell everyone, you always tell her you're not ready. You don't think you'll ever be ready. You'll be ready when you're ready, jeez!

You'll be ready when your dead, haha. That's probably the case. You're scared your dad's going to end up kicking you out because your gay. Some parents don't like their kids anymore when they come out as gay, so they go to drastic measures. You're sure he would never do that but there is that .0009% chance that he might.

You'll do it next Monday, yeah, that's what you'll do. You finish pestering Rose by telling her that you'll tell everyone on Monday. She seems a little shellshocked that you quickly decided this, but you have to get it over and done with. It's not even that big of a deal! You have to make it a big deal. That's you, John Egbert, master of making things a bigger deal than what they should be.

-  
Oh god it's Monday already why does it have to be Monday already? Oh, that's right, because you, you genius, had that conversation with Rose on Sunday, so basically, yesterday. Great job. You're not even ready but you have to be because it's Monday morning before school and this is when you're going to tell dad. You take huge breaths in and out while skidding down the stairs. He's already in the dinning room, a cup of coffee in his hand and the day's newspaper in the other. You're already dressed, so you wouldn't have to rush and put something on backwards or something stupid. You check to make sure you didn't do that before you came down. Nope, everything is good and on correctly. You scoot out a chair across from your dad and prop your elbows on the table. You know he hates that so that will get his attention. He raises and eyebrow and lowers his paper, but his face softens because it's 6 am and you're dressed already and not in your boxers and a total mess.

“ Good morning, John!” Dad greets,a smile on his face as he's setting down his 1# Dad mug you got him for Father's Day 2 years ago. You give a toothy grin right back at them. When friends come over and see your dad's smile, they then realize who the teeth mu come from; your mom who you hardly ever mention because that is your dad's wishes.

“ Hey dad,” you greet right back, but now the smile is fake and your stomach is in knots. “ Okay um, so, I kind of need to talk to you,” you start off, your now biting your lip damn that's such a bad habit of yours. So is nail biting.

“ John, if it's about the rabbit again, I decided that I might get you one,” Dad interrupts. Oh my god yes you might get a rabbit. That is if you are still in his house after this.

“ Really? That's so great! But uh, that's not exactly what I was talking about...,” you trail off, your eyes focused on his mug. Wow that design on it is so cool wonder how it was made. “ Okay there's no easy way to say this but uh,” you start again. You're not sure how to do this. You've practiced it a bit but that must of not worked. How did Rose even do this shit? You're biting your lip again if you bit any harder you might not have a lip anymore.

Dad looks at you and oh you just looked up and now can't look away because when a parent stares at you intensely enough you can't look away and that's their intention. “ John, you can tell me anything,” he assures you. You nod, gulping a little bit of air.

You take a deep breath. Here goes. You're going to do it. You're almost doing it. You're mouth is open to speak. “ Dad, I'm gay,” you say, exhaling a little. Three little words can seem like the longest sermon ever given. He doesn't even say anything for a bit after that. He just walks over to your seat and embraces you and doesn't let go and there are tears everywhere from him from you and wow you didn't realize this was going to be so emotional.  
“ I'm so, so proud of you, no matter what,” he whispers in your ear and you let out a choked sob. He stops embracing you but doesn't let go of your shoulders and gives you a huge smile and you give it right back to him. Then you hug again.

What the hell is it even going to be like in front of your friends?  
-  
Coming out as gay in front of your friends was significantly easier than coming out as gay to your father. Rose already knew. Dave has been suspecting of it. Jade is certainly fine with it. The trolls accepted it too because well, they really don't have a sexuality and so they pretty much shrugged. Karkat though, once you said it, he immediately gave you a huge hug. You may or may not have patted his butt during that hug but he patted yours right back.


End file.
